Disclaimer: This is a JOKE! This was done VERY tongue-in-cheek. Read it 
with that in mind. (Even though the questions DID arise out of personal 
experiences. *snerk*) If you're offended by things such as this, 
then don't read it. And whatever you do, do NOT let Kate end up with a 
copy or we are all dead meat!


 Welcome to the Straight Girls Hot For Kate Mulgrew criteria test! The 
following test is divided into two main categories: questions that MUST 
be answered yes to get in and questions that you must say yes to at least 
80% of.
 The reason this club came about was because the founding heterosexual 
members have SOMEHOW convinced everyone around them that they are NOT 
heterosexual just because of their strong enthusiasm for Kate Mulgrew.
 Remember, you must be straight AND female to be in the club!

THE MUSTS:

1) Your friends, coworkers, etc. have asked you which way you're leaning 
these days as a result of your gushing about Kate.

2) You're still straight, but a serious bid from Kate could definitely 
turn you the "other way".

3) You find yourself in desperate need of a Kate fix when you've been 
deprived of new Kate info and sightings for more than 30 days. (Sometimes 
referred to as Kate-us interruptus.)

4) You thought "Elogium" was great for the sole reason that Kes got to 
fall into Janeway's loving embrace, but were jealous of Kes nevertheless.

DID YOU PASS THESE? OKAY, ON TO THE NEXT GROUP!

THE OTHERS:

 These are broken down into categories.

 Kate cons:

1) Just being in the presence of Kate makes your heartrate increase tenfold.

2) ...and has moved you to tears.

3) You've experienced extreme excitement after having attended at Kate 
con. (Sometimes referred to as Post-Kate-al Bliss.)

4) You've experienced extreme depression for longer than a week after the 
ending of a Kate con. (Sometimes referred to as post-Kate-al Depression.)

5) You've spent over $100 getting pictures developed that were taken at a 
Kate con over a period of under two hours.

6) The photos you took of Kate at a Kate con, when put in order and 
flipped very quickly, require only basic lip-reading skills to understand 
what was said at the con. (In other words, more than 5 rolls of just Kate)

7) The day of a Kate con, you are actually sick to your stomach knowing 
that Kate is in the same city as you, and will soon be in the same 
building as you.

8) If you are fortunate enough to have Kate make eye contact with you, 
you get goosebumps.

9) If she actually speaks to you, you feel faint.

10) If she touches you, your heart skips a beat.

11) If you get all three, you lose consciousness.

12) The look on your face upon meeting Kate resembles that of a 
five-year-old who has just met Barney.

13) Your friends make you "go away" over a week before the next Kate con 
you're attending because your enthusiasm makes them nervous.

14) Seeing photos, videos, or hearing audio of Kate from a Kate con has 
made you cry, even if you were there and saw it in person.


 Kate and real life:

1) You've found that making "wallpaper" out of a jpg (or gif) of Kate is 
too distracting for you to get any actual work done.

2) You find yourself making screen savers of Kate pics, and set it to 
activate every 30 seconds.

3)...where the screen saver is set to choose randomly from a file of over 
20 pictures.

4) You'd rather stay home and watch Kate videos than go out on a date.

5)...or do anything else, for that matter.

6) You have a Kate scrapbook.

7) ...that is over 60 pages long.

8) ...and partially made up of pictures from 2 or more copies of every 
Voyager magazine. (Some of the pages have pics on both sides, after all!)

9) You have paid over $4.00 for a magazine or book for the sole reason 
that it contains a picture of Kate. (This is a linear function, ie. $8.00 
for only 2 pics, $12 for three, etc.)

10) You make up words out of Kate's name to refer to different actions or 
states of being. (Ex: post-Kate-al depression, post-Kate-al bliss, etc.)

11) When others are seeing castles and dragons in cloud formations, 
you're seeing Kate.

12) You think of Kate every time you hear "Every Breath You Take" by The 
Police.

13) Give yourself another point if you understand the double meaning of 
the above question.

 Kate on the screen:

1) That shot in "Fatal Friendship" with Kate in the nightgown is the main 
thing you remember about the movie.

2) You can discuss in detail the nightclothes worn by Kate in at least 5 
different shows/movies. (Two different episodes from the same series 
count, as long as the nightclothes were different.) 

3) You know more about the shows Kate has appeared in than Kate herself does.

4) You can list every movie Kate has appeared in...starting with Alien Lover.

5) During both the CPR scene in "Coda" and the backrub scene in 
"Resolutions", you aren't sure which (Janeway or Chakotay) you most 
identify with.

6) You have at least two Kate performances (shows, movies, interviews, 
cons) on audio, video, AND transcript so that you can immerse yourself in 
Kate regardless of where you are.

7) You've ever been jealous of Chakotay, Leo, Columbo, Lord Tristan, Mike 
Bradley, or JR Ewing.

8) You've ever been jealous of Rick Kolbe or Robert Egan.

9) Deduct a point if you said "Who?" to any of the aforementioned names. 


GRADING:

28-35  Are you sure you're straight? *grin* You're definitely one of us! 
       Welcome to the Club!
21-27  Pretty good! You're well on our way to being a true Kate slut! 
       We'll apprentice you on the condition that you continue to work on 
       achieving a state pure Kate-dom.
15-20  Not bad, but you still lack the true lust for Kate that you need 
       to be one of us. Try harder!!! 
10-14  You're off to a good start. One suggestion: attend more Kate cons 
       and you'll be drooling senselessly before you know it!
5-9    You can probably tell Kate from Patrick Stewart in a line-up (9 
       out of 10 times, at least), but you need some serious remediation   
       to achieve pure Kate-itonia. 
0-4    Why did you take this test? Are you sure you even know who Kate 
       Mulgrew is?