adventures of a teenage joey
Hello, friends, family, and others. This is a public service announcement from me, on behalf of me. I’m blasting this en masse (but NOT on FB, for reasons that will become clear) because it’s the most efficient way to do this.I am letting y’all know I am transing my gender from (allegedly) female to male. Yes, that’s right, I am going to somehow be even hotter than I was before, on account of how I will have a beard (eventually) and a deep(er) voice. Y’all are welcome.
Hi, I’m Joey and I’m a queer transgender man. *waves*
You have questions, I know you do. Fortunately, I have answers. Answers for your BURNING QUESTIONS below!
SOON-TO-BE-FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS, OH GOD I’M TIRED, PLEASE LET ME LIVE:
Q. How… what… huh? When did you figure this out/decide to become a dude?
A. Over the last many, many years, culminating in a couple of weeks of sheer, asshole-clenching panic, during which I panic-texted half the trans guys I know, then a final decision over Denver Pride weekend 2020, if you want to be specific; but also, always. Some of you may remember my career goal at age seven was to be the starting shortstop for the St. Louis Cardinals. I will now be able to achieve this goal. I already have Lucille, my favorite baseball bat, on standby for this momentous career shift. STAY TUNED!
Q. PSYCHE, DUDE, I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE A BOY!
A. COULDN’T YOU HAVE TOLD ME? DAMN, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A FRIEND.
Q. What pronouns will you use?
A. He/him/his. Please start using them as of *checks watch* now. You can also call me Mr. Netzorg if you really want to.
Q. I might mess up your pronouns for a while, dude.
A. That’s okay, as long as you’re genuinely trying to get them right. If you’re still “accidentally, tee hee” misgendering me in a few months, you and Lucille and I are going to need to talk.
Q. I don’t understand/I need more information.
A. Excellent news! People who have done this a lot longer than I have have written things to explain this concept to even the most clueless among us. Go here: transequality.org
Q. Does this mean you are *gasp* STRAIGHT? Heaven forfend!
A. Worry not! I like women and many other genders and remain queer as fuck! Sorry, boys, still not into you. *fingerguns*
Q. Are you having… y’know… *whispers* The Surgery?
A. Exciting news! That is none of your business! But to alleviate this inevitable question, here is a brief overview of what transition involves for me:
I started HRT (hormone replacement therapy) this summer, which involves injecting testosterone on a weekly basis. My voice has begun dropping and I’m getting hair in weird places. These and other effects will continue for a few years until everything settles. One day I hope to grow a majestic and luxurious beard to rival my brother’s, at which point he and I will have a beard-off. My sister has promised to judge, as a neutral party.
Q. That sounds uncomfortably like puberty.
A. That’s because it is. God help me, I’m going to smash an entire adolescence into a few years. Please do not judge my inevitable acne; I am trying very hard and I am very tired.
Q. But THE SURGERY, MAN! Tell us about the surgery!
A. Okay, okay. After The Plague has passed, I will get a radical double mastectomy with a male-appearing chest reconstruction, popularly known as “top surgery”. Anything else involving surgeries and suchlike are not in my plans at this point, but who knows what the future brings.
Q. Does your family know? How do they all feel about this?
A. My siblings know; my parents do not. I will come out to my parents if and only if I decide it’s worth it; they are older, very conservative, and would, to put it delicately, not get it at all. I don’t need that in my life right now, and as they both have some medical conditions, they are probably better off not knowing.
My extended family also does not know, and that is solely for my benefit, as many of them voted for Tr*mp and I REALLY don’t need that in my life. I’d rather they remain blissfully ignorant.
My siblings are very supportive and my sister has threatened/promised to run interference with my parents, should the need arise. She did two combat tours in Iraq and rides a motorcycle, so I’m not worried. Don’t mess with me, I’ll call my sister and she’ll kick your ass.
Q. Does your partner know? How do they all feel about this?
2. They are extremely, enthusiastically supportive. I heart them a lot.
Q. Do your kids know? How do they all feel about this?
2. They are already anticipating/dreading the leveling-up of my amazing dad jokes. Oh hell yeah. Seriously, they are also enthusiastically supportive, as are their partners. Coming out to them was the easiest thing in the world. My kids are better than yours; I am sorry.
Q. Does this mean your dad jokes will get better/worse?
A. IT SURE AS SHIT DOES. You are all WELCOME.
Q. Well, it sounds like you’re good with *gestures vaguely* All This?
A. Yes! To be clear, I am very happy and excited about this realization; it brings me a kind of relief that I don’t think I can describe if you haven’t experienced something similar. I’m excited and impatient to get the show on the road, already.
And now, the inevitable FAQ FOR REPUBLICANS AND TERFS:
Q. What childhood trauma/tragedy led to this????
A. They wouldn’t let me join the Cub Scouts. *sobs uncontrollably*
Q. ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS????
A. No. No, I’m not sure. I decided to spend thousands of dollars and many months/years to irrevocably change my body, get surgery, have to go to the DMV YET AGAIN (to change my gender marker on my driver’s license), come out YET AGAIN to everyone I know (god I’m SO TIRED), face even more discrimination and danger in society than I did before, and (eventually) piss off basically every one of my relatives, all because I was bored.
Seriously, I have a very good therapist and have been dealing with this questionfor 15-20 years. This is the final step of a very, very long and well-thought-out process.
Q. WHAT WOULD MIRYAM THINK????
A. I dunno, man. She’s dead. (Honestly, she would have wanted me to do what I need to do for myself – if you knew her well, you already know that, though.)
Q. OH NO, YOU ARE GOING TO HELL/YOU ARE JOINING THE ENEMY/YOU ARE REDUCING THE NUMBER OF BUTCHES IN THE WORLD/I DON’T THINK TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL/SOME OTHER BULLSHIT!
A. Hi, I don’t care.
Q.You can’t just decide to become a man! THERE ARE ONLY TWO GENDERS!@#!
Q. I don’t like that you are doing this! You should go back to being a girl! I’m going to harass you with articles and statistics about why you’re wrong/you’re going to die/you’re going to Regret Your Choices! THINK OF THE CHIIIIILLLLLDREN
1. See above as re: I don’t care.
3. Kindly remove yourself from my life, please and thanks. I wish you a long and prosperous existence, which I hope you will use to learn about accepting people who are different from you, or at the very least coping with their existence. If, at the end of this, you have still not learned the kindergarten-level lesson of “let people live, damn”, I kindly invite you to die mad about it.
Q. No, you don’t get it, I REALLY DON’T LIKE THIS! STOP DOING THE THING YOU’RE DOING AND DO SOMETHING ELSE I LIKE BETTER!
A. Ohhhh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were slow to catch on to things. I will explain: This is not a discussion or a debate. This is merely for informational purposes, on account of how I have been a grown human lo these many years and do not need your input on literally anything. Please go to therapy to discuss your ongoing need to control the lives of other grown-ass people. This is probably a good idea for you in general, honestly.
Feel free to spread the word and/or gossip behind my back about all this. Hateful and/or annoying comments/emails/texts/whatever will be summarily deleted and you will be blocked. I am 1) elderly, and, as previously mentioned 2) Tired.